Well This Is Awkward

Later at lunch

                Dick is sitting at his usual table, waiting next to an empty seat for Les. He plans to make his move as soon as she breaks up with her newest boyfriend, Jim. This one seems even more messed up to him than she is. He is sure he can help Les. As he’s waiting for her to show up, she walks up behind him. “Guys are dicks.” She punches him in the back.

                “What did you do that for?”
                “Because guys are fucking jerks,” She massages her knuckles.

                “Is Jim in one piece?”

                “Oh that’s very mature. Just go make fun of the cutters.”

                “No, no. I meant did you kill him for being such a fucking jerk?”

                “No. He just can’t seem to understand me.”

                “Well what did you say to him?”

                “I told him that this just didn’t feel right.”

                “Fourth guy in two months. How long did this one last?” David appears across the table from Dick and Les.

                “We only went out twice.”

                “That has to be some new slut record.” Dick is appalled at David’s comment, and Les kicks him under the table. David cries out slightly.

                “Wow Dick, if looks could kill…” Les winks at him.

                David’s face has scrunched up as he mutters, “More like if heels could kill.”

                Les kicks him again. “Oh, they can.”

                These strange three continue their lunch in what could never pass for quiet. David badgers Les about Jim and the other boys. Dick defends Les. Les eats her fries as she accuses Dick of patronizing her and prattles on to David about the difference between being a slut and experimenting.

                “How is it experimenting if you always pick the same type of guys?” David asks.

                “They are not the same,” Les argues.

                “They’re always this creepy, emo type, which maybe is what turns you on, since you’ve got that whole-“ he looks at Dick trying not to upset him, “you know-thing going on. And just for the record, I always thought Jim was gay.”

                “He is not gay. He’s bi.”

                “Like there’s a difference. He likes dick.”

                Dick perks up, “Excuse me?”

                “No, no. He had no interest in you. I told him you were straight.”

                Dick isn’t consoled by this latest comment. He looks awkwardly down at his lunch as he swirls a French fry in ketchup. Les and David continue to debate the sexuality of poor Jim until he decides to leave. “Excuse me.”

                “Where are you going?” Les inquires.

                “To the bathroom?” Dick answers in a voice that seems unsure how to answer.

                “Oh. Have fun then!”

                After Dick has walked off David continues his tormenting of Les. “You know, you might get better guys if you grew your hair a little, or at least stopped dating guys that look like girls.”

                “I like my hair short. And they do not look like girls!”

                “Oh, come on! They all have longer hair than you and wear more makeup even.”

                “David, even you wear more makeup than me.”

                “I don’t wear any.”

                “Exactly.”

                “You do wear makeup.”

                “Yes, but it doesn’t look like I’m wearing makeup.”

                “But you’re still wearing makeup.”

                “It doesn’t count if you can’t see it.”

                “It does, especially to guys.”

                “Well I don’t wear it every day.”

                “Whatever. You still wear makeup.”

                “I’m tired of hearing that word.”

                “Fine then.” The conversation drops between David and Les for a minute. She continues her lunch before he strikes again. “You know, there are some guys who like you, even though you look a little butchy.”

                “None of them were gay!”

                “No, I mean guys you haven’t fucked around with yet.”

                “What?”

                “I believe you mean to say ‘who?’”

                “What are you talking about?”
                “Leslie, just go ask Richard. He’ll tell you. He should have by now anyway.”

                Les sits in front of him, a little confused. She decides to wait for Dick, not to talk to him, but just to get away from the confusion emanating from David. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She walks between the tables and leans against the wall by the entrance to the boys’ bathroom.

                Dick emerges to her calling, “What’s up, Big Dick?” His face reddens a little, but he turns around. He sees her waiting for him, and he has the urge to lean over her, to be close to her, to not care who was watching like her and kiss her. He puts his hands in his pockets and resists as he stands before her. “Hey,” he manages to get out.

                “Do I look like a girl?”

                Dick is taken by surprise by this inquisition. “You’re beautiful.”

                “Yes, but guys can be beautiful too. In many species, the male is the more visually appealing one and the females are often quite plain. But that’s not what I asked.”

                “Why are you even asking?”

                “I have no idea. David was talking about something, and then he mentioned you and something about us talking, or maybe you talking. Should I be talking? No you should have said something by now.”

                Dick is confused, as normal when she gets going on things that involve David. She doesn’t quite seem to understand his way of saying things. “What?”

                “That’s what he said: That you should have said something by now. What was he talking about? Do you want to tell me something? Or should you be the one to point out something obvious like half of my hair has fallen out because you’ve known me the longest? Or am I just confusing myself?”

                “You’re confusing me.”

                “Alrightie then…how about you just tell me something. Anything.”

                “Anything?”
                “Anything.”

                “Well I was just thinking, now that you and Jim aren’t you and Jim, maybe you would—or you don’t have to—unless you would like to go out with me—or we could just stay friends, I’m cool with being friends, but maybe you wouldn’t, or you would if I wasn’t. What I’m trying to say is—“

                “Will you go out with me?”

                “Yes. Well, I mean yes that was what I was going to say, unless you’re asking me. Are you?”

                “You were in the process of asking me.”

                “Oh right, so—“

                “Sorry.”

                “What?”

                “Look, you’re my best friend. You’re my oldest friend. You’re my biggest friend. It would just be awkward. I mean I like you, but what if it didn’t work out? We couldn’t be each other’s best friends anymore. Remember what happened with Mark?”

                “Yes, but I would never do that.”

                “No matter how much I hurt you? No. I’m sorry. You’re my friend. I am consciously putting you in the Friend-Zone because I don’t want to lose you.”

                “Tell me the truth.”

                “You’re just not my type.”

                “Oh.” Dick was crushed by this. He wished he could pull off a comical “ouch” like she could, but all he could do was stand in shame and embarrassment.

                “Oh come on you big pussy.” Les embraced Dick tightly before dragging him back to their table by his elbow.